Each year, as this week approaches, I find myself becoming incredibly pensive. While for many people a birthday is a time of pure celebration — balloons, cakes, laughter and parties — for me, it is always a little more complicated.
You see, my birthday holds more than just the joy of another year lived. It also carries the bittersweet reminder of someone who is forever missing: my twin brother, Nicholas.
Nicholas was born with a severe birth defect and sadly, he didn’t survive. Growing up, I didn’t really understand how deeply this had impacted me. There were no resources, no counselling, no support groups for families back then. But over the years, especially once I became a parent myself, the layers of my grief began to reveal themselves more clearly.
As my birthday draws near every year, I inevitably find myself drifting into the land of “what ifs.”
What if Nicholas had survived?
Would we have been close, like the twins I see walking hand in hand down the street?
Would we have shared a mischievous bond, a secret language only we understood?
Would he have shared my passions? Or perhaps balanced out my challenges with his own strengths?
These questions are ones that can never be answered, but they still rise to the surface year after year, like waves that cannot be stopped.
One of the most healing moments in my life came in 2013 when we finally discovered where Nicholas was buried. For all those years, I had often visited a particular graveyard, sitting under a tree that somehow brought me peace — long before I knew that my twin brother lay resting there. Finding out that he had been under that very tree all along was like a missing piece of my heart finally sliding into place.
It showed me that the bond we shared was never broken. It had been there all along, even if I hadn’t fully understood it.
There is something deeply comforting about realising that connections — especially those formed before birth — can transcend time, space, and even loss.
If you are someone who finds certain times of the year emotionally heavy, please know that you are not alone. Whether you are a parent navigating your child’s milestones, a parent who has experienced loss, or someone who is exploring your own journey through neurodiversity and healing — your feelings are valid.
If this blog resonated with you, I would love for you to like, share, and subscribe. It helps us build a community of parents and families who understand that every story matters, even the ones that are written in the whispers of ‘what if.’
References:
Sands (Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Charity), UK – www.sands.org.uk Twins Trust (Supporting Twins, Triplets, and More), UK – www.twinstrust.org
The bad and your parenting journey 